sometimes this world leaves me puzzled...
I've been having a rough time with a lot of things lately.
...been questioning my faith hardcore.
In the times I need to rely on God's grace and infinite wisdom is the time i feel like i need to run away..
I've been reading my bible a lot here in the past hour or so..
looking for some guidaness in all of my frustrations and pain..
the more i try to rely on God... the more abandoned i feel...
but.. when i feel like i can do this on my own... and gain the strength to stand on my own... and attempt to face the world is when i truly break.. and hurt the ones i love the most...
i've done a lot of thing that i am not proud of... a lot of things..
i've done things to intentionally hurt people.. to intentionally piss people off..
to make them feel how i feel... in an attempt to find comfort.. without thinking.
i find i do this to a group of people i feel closest to...
and after i do these things... i feel like a bigger douchebag than i felt before..
not only do i hurt my friends.. i also push them away..
i find myself alone...
i feel like i have no friends.
and i feel like my family is just there...
but don't really care..
i feel lost.. daze... and confused...
and with christmas just days away...
i find myself wanting one thing..
to feel at home.
i just don't know where that is anymore.
1 comment:
Hey Brandon,
I am reading a book called "Repenting of Religion: Turning from Judgement to the Love of God." The author basically says that the reason there is so much judgement is because the original sin in the garden was seeking to distinguish between good and evil. In essence, we were never designed to be judges of what constitutes "good." But now, that is all we do... How often do we say in our minds, "She is ugly" or "He is fat" or "That person is an idiot."? We do it all the time! Why is that? Its because it helps us to validate ourselves... we make ourselves feel better, in essence we give ourselves "life" by placing judgement on others.
Perhaps the reason you are trying to get back at others is an attempt at this same type of validation... you are seeking "life" by hurting others.
Jesus said, "I am the way and the truth and the life."
Instead of seeking to get even, decide that you will instead allow the other person to "win." In the end, you will find the life you are seeking.
Hope this helps.
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