Bring the rain

So.. i've been laying in bed for the past two hours.. trying and failing to sleep.. on christmas eve/morning... so.. i've decided to try and vent? maybe.. idk.

I've had a rough few weeks.. this month has been one of the worst months of my life.. if not the worst...

i don't know if i've ever truly felt at home with my family.. they seem like they're just there..
yes, i love them all... for the most part.

but.. family.. idk...

over the summer i began talking to this girl.. she's wonderful. amazing.. fun to be around.. and of course, beautiful...

we started dating in mid-august.
i was/am....'in love'

i've never felt soo close to a person as i did her.
i've never felt love like hers before.
. . . being with her is the closest I've felt to home.. ever.
I felt like i found my 'family'
....or at least the person i would like to start one with...


at the beginning of the month...
with the lack of anything spiritual in our relationship..
we 'went' our seperate ways...

well.... I've been laying here in bed..
thinking about all the fighting this girl and i have been doing since the break...
thinking about all the stuff we've lashed out towards each other in a petty attempt to hurt the other.. to show each other we don't need or care about the other..

i lie here with my heart full of sorrow and regret.. wishing i could take back the cruel and rude words i've said..

1 corinthians 13:5 states that "[love] is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

Since the break up... i've been too hurt... too frustrated.. too upset, and angered at myself and her to allow my true feelings to show..

i've been some obsessive freak..

i haven't known what do to.. what to say..
i'm a typical american....

i want it now.
i don't want to be patient and trust God..
i say something good... i don't want to wait for the results.

i'm a very impatient person.
broken and sinful.

I was laying here about an hour and a half ago..
I was already feeling miserable and lonely...
wishing i just had a family of my own.
...and wishing i had a wife and children..

and... i heard a voice of a little girl...
that i swear wasn't makayla's voice.. it sounded nothing like her..
and the voice of the little girl simply said...

'daddy....'

i broke down...


there's only one thing i really have to say to all of this....

"I am Yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain"

--Mercy Me

Philippians 4:13
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."





Jesus, I am broken.
I am struggling.
I need you.
Envelop me with your everlasting love.




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I'm sorry.