Bring the rain

So.. i've been laying in bed for the past two hours.. trying and failing to sleep.. on christmas eve/morning... so.. i've decided to try and vent? maybe.. idk.

I've had a rough few weeks.. this month has been one of the worst months of my life.. if not the worst...

i don't know if i've ever truly felt at home with my family.. they seem like they're just there..
yes, i love them all... for the most part.

but.. family.. idk...

over the summer i began talking to this girl.. she's wonderful. amazing.. fun to be around.. and of course, beautiful...

we started dating in mid-august.
i was/am....'in love'

i've never felt soo close to a person as i did her.
i've never felt love like hers before.
. . . being with her is the closest I've felt to home.. ever.
I felt like i found my 'family'
....or at least the person i would like to start one with...


at the beginning of the month...
with the lack of anything spiritual in our relationship..
we 'went' our seperate ways...

well.... I've been laying here in bed..
thinking about all the fighting this girl and i have been doing since the break...
thinking about all the stuff we've lashed out towards each other in a petty attempt to hurt the other.. to show each other we don't need or care about the other..

i lie here with my heart full of sorrow and regret.. wishing i could take back the cruel and rude words i've said..

1 corinthians 13:5 states that "[love] is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

Since the break up... i've been too hurt... too frustrated.. too upset, and angered at myself and her to allow my true feelings to show..

i've been some obsessive freak..

i haven't known what do to.. what to say..
i'm a typical american....

i want it now.
i don't want to be patient and trust God..
i say something good... i don't want to wait for the results.

i'm a very impatient person.
broken and sinful.

I was laying here about an hour and a half ago..
I was already feeling miserable and lonely...
wishing i just had a family of my own.
...and wishing i had a wife and children..

and... i heard a voice of a little girl...
that i swear wasn't makayla's voice.. it sounded nothing like her..
and the voice of the little girl simply said...

'daddy....'

i broke down...


there's only one thing i really have to say to all of this....

"I am Yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain"

--Mercy Me

Philippians 4:13
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."





Jesus, I am broken.
I am struggling.
I need you.
Envelop me with your everlasting love.




---------------------------------------------------------


I'm sorry.

Psalm 31

1. In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.

2 Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.

3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

4 Free me from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.

5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;
redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth.

6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
I trust in the LORD.

7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.

8 You have not handed me over to the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.


9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.

10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak.

11 Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors;
I am a dread to my friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.

12 I am forgotten by them as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.

13 For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side;
they conspire against me
and plot to take my life.

14 But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God."

15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me.

16 Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.

17 Let me not be put to shame, O LORD,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and lie silent in the grave.

18 Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

19 How great is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you,
which you bestow in the sight of men
on those who take refuge in you.

20 In the shelter of your presence you hide
from the intrigues of men;
in your dwelling you keep them safe
from accusing tongues.

21 Praise be to the LORD,
for he showed his wonderful love to me
when I was in a besieged city.

22 In my alarm I said,
"I am cut off from your sight!"
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

23 Love the LORD, all his saints!
The LORD preserves the faithful,
but the proud he pays back in full.

24 Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.

--Psalm 31






I don't know what it is... but
i think i just found my favorite passage/chapter i've ever read in the Bible.


With how i've been feeling lately... idk... just.. AMEN!!

Puzzled.

sometimes this world leaves me puzzled...

I've been having a rough time with a lot of things lately.
...been questioning my faith hardcore.

In the times I need to rely on God's grace and infinite wisdom is the time i feel like i need to run away..

I've been reading my bible a lot here in the past hour or so..
looking for some guidaness in all of my frustrations and pain..

the more i try to rely on God... the more abandoned i feel...
but.. when i feel like i can do this on my own... and gain the strength to stand on my own... and attempt to face the world is when i truly break.. and hurt the ones i love the most...


i've done a lot of thing that i am not proud of... a lot of things..
i've done things to intentionally hurt people.. to intentionally piss people off..
to make them feel how i feel... in an attempt to find comfort.. without thinking.
i find i do this to a group of people i feel closest to...

and after i do these things... i feel like a bigger douchebag than i felt before..
not only do i hurt my friends.. i also push them away..

i find myself alone...

i feel like i have no friends.
and i feel like my family is just there...
but don't really care..


i feel lost.. daze... and confused...


and with christmas just days away...

i find myself wanting one thing..
to feel at home.
i just don't know where that is anymore.