BBLACK

Romans 1:28-32

2009-08-10T04:15:00.002-04:00

"²⁸Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. ²⁹They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, ³⁰slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; ³¹they are senseless, faithless, heartless, ruthless. ³²Although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them."

This is kinda how i feel about my life sometimes. I mean, I love jesus.. but when i look at myself. I dont think i can see him anywhere. it's pathetic.

2009-07-31T03:39:00.002-04:00

I haven't written on this thing in forever, i know. I'm sorry for that Heath. :o)

Life has been restless lately.. I haven't had a good nights rest since before school let out.. I feel as if i'm just wasting my time right now.. I'm just busting my butt for what? i feel like i have nothing saved for school; everytime i get a pay check, i have to pay bills with it. everytime i have money, i feel a new bill creates itself. I'm working 40 hours a week in 4 days.. which is nothing, but i'm also taking a class on my days off.. and sitting in class for 2.5 hrs twice a week is worse than working a 12 hr shift. i'm just ready for summer to be over. so ready. i'm just really burnt out on life right now. July was a bad month for me.

sorry, i was in the middle of writing and just walked away... i might update again soon.... i dont feel like finishing my post right now...

:)

2008-10-30T15:07:00.001-04:00

I am a blogger extraordinaire!

'nuff said.

For Heath

2008-10-26T10:28:00.002-04:00

I'm sorry i haven't updated in forever... i actually have been really busy. you should know this with how frequently we talk on yahoo.. haha

okay, now it's story time.

This one day, not to mention any names...coughheathcountrymanhackcoughsomemore.. suggested to me that the Bengals would finish the season somewhere around 3-13.. then a few weeks later.. a week or two before the season started.. suggested to me that they'd finish at least 12-4... as of right now... i think the 3-13 was a hopeful exaggeration. haha

The End

9-11

2008-09-11T11:11:00.000-04:00

3 weeks....

2008-08-07T03:56:00.002-04:00

So, I have 3 weeks and a few days until I go back to mt. vernon... found out last week that i didn't have all the stuff they need after.. oh.. idk.. about 2 weeks worth of emailing this one lady she finally says she can't put together a financial aid package because they didnt have everything... why this genius lady didn't tell me this a little earlier.. oh yeah... idk... that just really frustrated me.

hopefully i'll know how much i'll owe within the next few days.. then i'll have a week to get everything i need together! yeah!.....

i'll be more excited when i find out how much i have to pay and when i get confirmed.

20 lbs in 3 months!

2008-06-23T21:52:00.002-04:00

so, since i've stopped working out.. i've gained a bunch of weight.. and about a week ago.. my friend and i made a bet.. that i will lose 20 lbs in 3 months.. and keep it off for another 3... for i think 25 bucks? haha, and.. if you know me well, i'll pretty much do anything for a little extra cash! it'll give me a little extra motivation to get a dead sexy bod! haha

i know i haven't actually posted an entry in forever.. i have a few saved, but haven't posted in awhile..

I've decided to go back to mt. vernon! I sent in my deposits on friday! I think things will be different this time around. I really do. I lacked motivation there and devoted almost all my time with work and my ex. ugh. haha i guess we learn from our mistakes.

like i was saying about i'll do anything for money... someone from pizzahut is trying to steal me from dominos!! and it's sooo tempting... i'd make soo much more at pizza hut.. but I LOVE the people at dominos.. i wish i could just do both 3 different nights a week until i find something that'll pay me more and somewhere that i'll be able to save my car...

i dont know what i want to do.... ahh!

so....

2008-06-03T03:15:00.002-04:00

I failed miserably at that last mission...

this new one is going to be simple.. haha

Go to church on sunday! :)

I'm on a mission.

2008-05-11T23:47:00.002-04:00

so, recently i've let god slip away from my life... i've been so consumed by so many different things.. and have pushed God into the back seat.. then into my trunk.. and it's been like i'm running out of room in my trunk.. so, I've decided that i'm taking a break from Facebook and AIM(Aol Instant Messenger for someone who might not know what that means.. coughHeath).. which doesn't include yahoo... so, you can still talk to me heath! haha... anyways.. so, i'm going to take some time off to straighten things up and spend some more time with God.

so, for the people on AIM who do read my blog... that's why i'm not on....

2008-05-08T23:14:00.001-04:00

i feel like i've been played.

eehhh.

2008-05-03T01:51:00.000-04:00

so, lately.... pretty much everything has gone wrong.

everything.

but.. in light of my whole world crashing in on me... and falling apart..
the past few days. everything keeps falling apart.. but, i keep getting more and more happier..

i dont know what it is.. but something's starting to make me happy! :)

i love work. lol
maybe that's it!

so, i still dont know what i want to do with the school thing.. but... the more thought i put into it.. the more i think i want to go back to the naz.... even with things the way they were when i left..

we'll see.

update.

2008-04-24T02:10:00.000-04:00

My life has been kinda hectic lately. I dont really know whats going on.. and i'm starting to become frustrated with everything. I know i haven't really updated this thing in about a month of so.. i'm sorry, i just haven't had anything to write about... and when i do.. i end up just deleting it.

but yeah... I'm thinking about going back to mt. vernon.. I'm not sure that i will though.. i mean, one minute.. i feel like God is telling me i should go back... and then the next second i have a fear that i'll go and end up regreting it... and feel like i did towards the end of my time there... i just dont know what i want to do.. i feel like i'll be miserable either way i go.. but at least if i stay here i'll have money and be miserable. instead of broke. lol.....

i just dont know anymore.. i feel like all i really have is work.. i know it's stupid.. but it's the truth.. and i've been doing it a lot lately.. my last day off.... i was in mt. vernon. i had 2 days off last week.. tuesday and wednesday.. and that was my last day off... and my next day off wont be until at least monday of next week.. whenever Boss Lady makes the schedule.. so, between last last thursday-this sunday... 10 days of work.. 5 closes.. i'm exhausted...

and sad.. :-\

it shouldn't be too long before my next post...

prayers on what i should do with school and for me in general would be greatly appreciated.. thanks

Me Me Me Me Meeeeeee!!!

2008-04-08T03:00:00.000-04:00

(had to get my singing voice ready..)

Happy Birthday to you!! Happy Birthday to you!!! Happy Birthday dear Luann!!!! :) Happy Birthday to you!!

The Gathering

2008-04-08T01:40:00.000-04:00

http://www.discoverthegathering.com/index.html
(I was told to tell my friends about it.. haha)

Cutting the Strings

2008-03-27T00:30:00.000-04:00

I went to my old church tonight and the former pastor came up.. and then someone said to me... "ya need to cut the strings." Now, would somebody tell me why I need to 'cut the strings' from my pastor? He's the reason I started going to church and even if he's not the pastor of the church i'm attending... he's the reason why i'm in a church, he's the reason I'm a christian. and he's a close friend of mine.. and he's like a big brother. we go to lunch with each other like once a week.. or every two weeks.......of course, it's always chipotle.. hahaha. but, i fail to see the reasons why i should 'cut the strings' on someone that opened my door to chirst? I didn't leave the church because Heath put in his resignation.. I stopped going to church on a regular basis back in like... idk.. june? maybe before that.. there are a lot of things that really just pushed me away from the church... I've been furious with a lot of things happening within the church for awhile.. and i finally just kinda stopped going until i left for college.. well, i didn't go there either... haha, but, i had chapel 3 times a week.. and needed to sleep sometime.. so, i used saturdays and sundays as catch up and was Bedside Baptist with my RA Justin. :o) but now i'm back and have been goign to a church in Kettering.. its a little different than what i like.. and am still looking for a new church, i guess... but... idk.. that 'cutting the string' comment... idk..

2008-03-21T03:00:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday to you!! Happy Birthday to you!! Happy Birthday Brittany Tackett... Happy Birthday to you!!! :)

oh yeah.. guys... http://hcountryman.blogspot.com/ go there for me! :) haha

Get the Door.. It's Dominos!!!

2008-03-19T21:42:00.000-04:00

I have finally found a job and started yesterday. Sad thing is... it's back at Domino's!! I know, i'm moving on up in this life! hahaha... but seriously, I started writing this entry a little bit ago.. and got a few phone calls.. and got distracted.. and then i sat back down.. and i got on Heath's blog and read his post.. and i kinda laughed.. because that's exactly what i was going to write about!! hahahaha.. great minds think alike i guess!!......or something like that..(we are both delivery drivers afterall!! lol) but.. i was getting aggravated with the whole job search... sitting around here doing nothing all day was absolutely driving me crazy.. and all i did with my spare time was eat and watch myself get more and more obese. haha. I've felt soo worthless.

but!!! I'm happy now!! hahaha, after just one night... i feel like i have money again! lol

I'm still going to try to get a job at Red Lobster though... i might work both if they hire me.. :)

yay two jobs and being a full-time student!!

agitated..

2008-03-13T00:40:00.000-04:00

Sometimes people really agitate me... and i say some pretty harsh and hurtful things... UGH..

anyways... Classes are almost here.. and... i've decided that since my schedule would probably really screwy.. to just take online classes at Sinclair for the quarter.. it will give me a lot more time to work and save.. since it only cost like 500 bucks for a full time student.. and then start classes at Wright State in the fall.. the only thing is... i'm going to have to find the motivation to actually do the work!

speaking of work... I think i have this one job nailed.. but, i dont really want to say it and then they reject me.. hahaha, so, i'll update you more another time..

oh yeah.. so... earlier this evening.. i realized how great of shape i'm in.......or should i say not in??? so, Ryan and I were about to start working out.. and then i decided.. hey, lets go play tennis.. it's actually nice outside... so.. we went.. and.. i did pretty awesome.. haha won all 3 sets.. (i need to brag! haha) 6-2 then 6-4... and i thought we were done.. and by the time i won the second set.. i was ready to just lay down on the court.. which i did later i was soo dead.. and he was like.. i want to win one.. so, we started another set... and i quickly took the next game... then it ended up being 2-5.... i was ready to die.. and then i got this boost of energy.. from somewhere.. and won the next 5 games winning the set 7-5!!! yeah, 6-2, 6-4, and 7-5!! and about 30 minutes after we finished... my body was aching!! big time.. haha... i dont want to wake up tomorrow so i dont have to feel the pain!!

okay, i just wanted to give everybody an update on really pointless stuff!!!

REDS OPENING DAY IS MARCH 31st!!!
2 weeks from monday! :o)

Came to My Rescue

2008-02-22T20:25:00.000-05:00

Falling on my knees in worship

Giving all I am to seek your face

Lord all I am is yours

My whole life

I place in your hands

God of Mercy

Humbled I bow down

In your presence at your throne

I called you answered

And you came to my rescue and I

I wanna be where you are

In my life be lifted high

In our world be lifted high

In our love be lifted high

Alcohol

2008-02-18T22:14:00.000-05:00

So.. I've been a little afriad of me falling and drinking when I get on Wright State's campus.. I mean, i hate alcohol.. and it's against my beliefs to drink... but when looking at everybody's photos on their facebook.. beer and other sorts of alcohol is everywhere, i've just been a little afraid i'll buckle to peer pressure.. not that i do a lot.. especially when it comes to things against my beliefs... well, after tonight, my fear is gone.. I've always had a fear of drinking and becoming an alcoholic... seeing it everywhere on my dads side of my family.. it's been a while since i've seen anyone drunk.. and it's my hatred for alcohol has been revitalized... i was over at my dad's tonight... and after rockin' out to some guitar hero.. my dad comes up trashed.. and i go downstairs.. and jackie's on the couch crying with a black eye... haha, jk.. but, she was on the couch crying.. it's pathetic to what alcohol does to people.. and what it can do to families..

I've completely cut off all contact with my uncle.. as sad as it is... i mean, if he has any money at all.. he's trashed.. he wakes up every morning just to drink and waste his life.. and i just don't know what to say to him.. and it's hard to find him sober... and jackie says my dad's starting to get worse.. and is afraid my dad will become just like david... i just dont know what to do.. i mean, it's not my fault they like to drink.... a lot. but.. idk.. i just wish i could say something to help both of them realize their problem.. and get them to try and seek help.. or something.. idk... :-\

MVNU

2008-02-16T07:32:00.000-05:00

as i look back at the time i had while i was at mt. vernon nazarene university.. I made a lot of close friendships that i hope i don't lose...

ever since i told everybody that i decided to leave.. everybody asked why...

and.. as all of you know..... or at least should.. because i gave a crap answer.. that wasn't exactly the reason i decided to leave...

i'm not sure if it was the right thing to do.. i mean, there is about a 1000 different ways to grow closer to God at the Naz... and maybe i just didn't want to reach out..

I'm a very private person when it comes to my problems.. never really want to let it all out... i tend to hold it in and be as strong as i can until i just break.. i see problems as signs of weakness and i feel people will jump on and hound me about...

as most of you know, i went to the naz in a relationship... haha, a big mistake... especially as things developed between us... and i praise God for that not going anywhere now.. He is good. :)

The relationship was probably the start of the downfall for the Naz.. it was very unhealthy.. full of little fights and disagreements, among other things... and i question both of our faith.. I mean, i know my relationship with God wasn't the greatest of relationships and i thought that going to mt. vernon everything would change... and it did... but, it got worse..

I lost focus of what was important; God. My selection of words went from eeeehhh to terrible.. and i went from this guy who.. ya know.. i thought was a pretty good guy... to this guy i wouldn't even recognize.. i was miserable.. and i wanted nothing to do with God.. i felt abandoned.. hated... and felt anger towards God.. although i knew he was there holding me together.. i left for the naz thinking i would be the person that you'd look at and see christ when you look at me.. and hoping that people would want to come up to me and talk.. or something? idk..

i stopped going to church, started hating chapel.. and building a wall up between myself and God... I started to realize that going my own way and doing things on my own was what was going to happen.. i wanted it... i'd go just for my chapel credits and do my own thing...

That's when it all hit me.....

"wow, what the heck are you doing brandon???"
and thats when i decided that the Naz just wasnt where i was going to call home for the next 3.5 more years..

I didn't leave because of a failed relationship or financial reasons.. of course, saving this much money on school will be pretty awesome! lol... I left because because i started to build up a hatred for God.. and thats when i knew thats not where i need to be for my relationship with Him to repair and grow.. God can heal any wounds.... and forgive any sins.

so now i'm back at home...jobless..

but starting to get everything straightened up...
and i've started to talk to this great girl...haha, nothing will come from it..
but.. she truly lives her life for God...and she's GORGEOUS! haha..

but neither of us are ready for a relationship.. idk. if we're meant to be.. God will make it happen.

(if that doesn't make any sense.. haha, i'm sorry... it's 4:30 and i've been ready for bed since about 11.. lol)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

--Matthew 11:28-30

2008-02-15T15:42:00.000-05:00

i was a little bored this afternoon and i thought you would enjoy watching this wonderful video i made.

i think that this entry will make heath proud!! haha

not only is this longer than most of my posts.. it also has entertainment. :)

Freedom

2008-02-12T14:18:00.001-05:00

...is a great thing.

Thief

2008-02-10T14:21:00.000-05:00

I am a thief, I am a murderer

Walking up this lonely hill

What have I done? I don't remember

No one knows just how I feel

and I know that my time is coming soon.

It's been so long. Oh, such a long time

Since I've lived with peace and rest

Now I am here, my destination

guess things work for the best

and I know that my time is coming soon

Who is this man? This man beside me

They call the King of the Jews

They don't believe that He's the Messiah

But, somehow I know it's true.

And they laugh at Him in mockery,

and beat Him till he bleeds

They nail Him to the rugged cross,

and raise Him, they raise Him up next to me

My time has come, I'm slowly fading

I deserve what I receive

Jesus when You are in Your kingdom

Could You please remember me

and He looks at me still holding on

the tears fall from His eyes

He says I tell the truth

Today, you will live with Me in paradise

and I know that my time is coming soon

and I know paradise is coming soon.

It is my....

2008-02-08T13:27:00.000-05:00

.... BIRTHDAY!!!! wahooo! :o)

ya know....

2008-02-06T00:13:00.000-05:00

I don't think i would mind a McCain/Huckabee presidential campaign...... i figure...

McCains likely to croak before his first term is over... so..... Huckabee would be president... and if he dies during the first year or so... haha, he could be in office for like... 11 yrs.

just throwin that out.

2008-02-02T13:23:00.000-05:00

oh gosh, i don't even care anymore.. hahahahaha :o)

everything's a joke anymore..

so, i went and had my 'interview' whatever you wanna call it yesterday.. i think it went pretty good.. hopefully everything works out! that'd be awesome..

i have another interview on friday, my birthday (the 8th.. you guys better not forget to wish me a happy birthday!).... at dicks sporting goods.. hopefully i get that.. i need an income asap.. because the other job probably wouldn't start until maybe march or april..

a call from best buy would be nice...

oh well, the job search continues..

i'm in a weird happy mood right now.. idk why. :0)

Reds

2008-01-26T09:17:00.000-05:00

So, i can't wait until March 31!!!! My beloved Reds start their season against the Diamondbacks and i'm going to do everything i can to get tickets at a decent price!! lol

isn't that a great picture?!?! :o) i made it my desktop because it's soo amazing. I love the Reds.. they're my summer obsession. I think they're going to have a great season this year.

so, i left yesterday.. it was pretty hard for me... saying goodbye to everybody.. even the kids that do drugs.. they have all become brothers to me.. and i made friendships that i don't want to walk away from... it's tough.. but I think the biggest thing for me is... I'm not sure if it was the right decision.. i pray and hope it is.. but i haven't been happy... and my relationship with God is worse than it was before i left for college.. I don't think paying to go to a christian university and my relationship with God get weaker and weaker with every passing day is worth the extra money, but that's just me...

after i got home last night, I had a really short conversation with trish via text.....exciting....i know.. ha.... I told her i was sorry for everything... it was heart felt.. and that was it.. I think i've finally let go..

ugh, i gotta start looking for a new joh. lol.. i've had a nice break since my last day at dominos.. i feel a little refreshed.. but until school starts i want to work my butt off until i start school again so i wont have to work as much during spring quarter at Wright State... idk.. I'd like to work at Best Buy and delivering somewhere.. i'm not sure if i want to work at a store delivering to UD or just here in Huber... but, i'd like a job at Best Buy so i'm able to get discounts on everything because that'd just be amazing. lol. :o) if i get it, i'm going to be broke, but i'll have a lot of SAWEEEEEEET toys!! lol

who wakes up at 6:30am on a freaking saturday?!?! ahh!! i've been up for 3.5 hrs watching stupid movies because nobody's awake. i'm going to go unload my car, shower, call bill and see if he wants to go job huntin because he makes like 30 bucks a week.. hahaha how pathetic! :o)

have a wonderful weekend guys!!!
i can't wait for april!! BASEBALL SEASON!!!

Goodbye Friends at the Naz..

2008-01-25T06:26:00.000-05:00

To all my friends that i didn't get to say bye to...

i'm sorry for not getting the chance to say bye

i love you!!
i'm going to miss you chumps! ;)

Soo...

2008-01-23T08:48:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here, almost 5:30 in the morning.. with soo much going through my head that the thought of sleep seems like such a difficult task.. I laid there for about 25 minutes in my bed.. completely miserable.. so, i decided i'd get out of bed.. now i sit here.. starting to get organized and pack so i can spend my last day with my friends and not worry about getting packed and whatnot.. the only thing i really have to do besides load my car is my laundry...

i've had a rough 2 months.. i've lost motivation to do a lot of things.. i'm ready for a break.. and for changes in my life..
just 3 more days!! and my break begins..

i think this is about the 14th time i've pulled an all nighter this month.. i've gotten no sleep..
it's a nice feeling not having to set any alarm.. i don't really know what i want to do with work when i get back.. i could probably very easily get a job at pizza hut or dominos back at home..

i just don't know.. i'd like to work 2 jobs until i start school then only work at maybe Best Buy once school starts.(get the sweet employee discounts! haha)

idk..

i don't think any of this makes any sense.. but oh well.. haha

last day of work starts in 11:45 minutes. probably is over in less than 15 hrs! wahoo!!! :)

this will probably be my last post before i leave..
sooooo..

goodbye friends at the naz

2008-01-13T08:23:00.000-05:00

i feel like a little child fishing with his father.. that has fallen off the deck... and is struggling to just get his hand out in the water.. because the kid knows that his dad is there to grab his hand and pull him out of the water.... except... I don't see a hand... and i'm beginning to drown...

Ay Yai Yai...

2008-01-12T07:38:00.000-05:00

i was doing okay... i broke again tonight..
now i have to be strong...or else.

i'm afraid...

i need prayer.. and a lot of it..

2008-01-08T01:20:00.001-05:00

i cannot wait to transfer out of this place.

:o)

2008-01-02T09:10:00.000-05:00

as one chapter and door begins to close in my life...

i'm beginning to see another door open!!

things are starting to turn around in my life.....

Bring the rain

2007-12-25T07:36:00.000-05:00

So.. i've been laying in bed for the past two hours.. trying and failing to sleep.. on christmas eve/morning... so.. i've decided to try and vent? maybe.. idk.

I've had a rough few weeks.. this month has been one of the worst months of my life.. if not the worst...

i don't know if i've ever truly felt at home with my family.. they seem like they're just there..
yes, i love them all... for the most part.

but.. family.. idk...

over the summer i began talking to this girl.. she's wonderful. amazing.. fun to be around.. and of course, beautiful...

we started dating in mid-august.
i was/am....'in love'

i've never felt soo close to a person as i did her.
i've never felt love like hers before.
. . . being with her is the closest I've felt to home.. ever.
I felt like i found my 'family'
....or at least the person i would like to start one with...

at the beginning of the month...
with the lack of anything spiritual in our relationship..
we 'went' our seperate ways...

well.... I've been laying here in bed..
thinking about all the fighting this girl and i have been doing since the break...
thinking about all the stuff we've lashed out towards each other in a petty attempt to hurt the other.. to show each other we don't need or care about the other..

i lie here with my heart full of sorrow and regret.. wishing i could take back the cruel and rude words i've said..

1 corinthians 13:5 states that "[love] is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

Since the break up... i've been too hurt... too frustrated.. too upset, and angered at myself and her to allow my true feelings to show..

i've been some obsessive freak..

i haven't known what do to.. what to say..
i'm a typical american....

i want it now.
i don't want to be patient and trust God..
i say something good... i don't want to wait for the results.

i'm a very impatient person.
broken and sinful.

I was laying here about an hour and a half ago..
I was already feeling miserable and lonely...
wishing i just had a family of my own.
...and wishing i had a wife and children..

and... i heard a voice of a little girl...
that i swear wasn't makayla's voice.. it sounded nothing like her..
and the voice of the little girl simply said...

'daddy....'

i broke down...

there's only one thing i really have to say to all of this....

"I am Yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain"

--Mercy Me

Philippians 4:13
"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Jesus, I am broken.
I am struggling.
I need you.
Envelop me with your everlasting love.

---------------------------------------------------------

I'm sorry.

Psalm 31

2007-12-23T06:45:00.000-05:00

1. In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.

2 Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.

3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

4 Free me from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.

5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;
redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth.

6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
I trust in the LORD.

7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.

8 You have not handed me over to the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.

9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.

10 My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak.

11 Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors;
I am a dread to my friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.

12 I am forgotten by them as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.

13 For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side;
they conspire against me
and plot to take my life.

14 But I trust in you, O LORD;
I say, "You are my God."

15 My times are in your hands;
deliver me from my enemies
and from those who pursue me.

16 Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.

17 Let me not be put to shame, O LORD,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and lie silent in the grave.

18 Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

19 How great is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you,
which you bestow in the sight of men
on those who take refuge in you.

20 In the shelter of your presence you hide
from the intrigues of men;
in your dwelling you keep them safe
from accusing tongues.

21 Praise be to the LORD,
for he showed his wonderful love to me
when I was in a besieged city.

22 In my alarm I said,
"I am cut off from your sight!"
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

23 Love the LORD, all his saints!
The LORD preserves the faithful,
but the proud he pays back in full.

24 Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the LORD.

--Psalm 31

I don't know what it is... but
i think i just found my favorite passage/chapter i've ever read in the Bible.

With how i've been feeling lately... idk... just.. AMEN!!

Puzzled.

2007-12-22T08:15:00.000-05:00

sometimes this world leaves me puzzled...

I've been having a rough time with a lot of things lately.
...been questioning my faith hardcore.

In the times I need to rely on God's grace and infinite wisdom is the time i feel like i need to run away..

I've been reading my bible a lot here in the past hour or so..
looking for some guidaness in all of my frustrations and pain..

the more i try to rely on God... the more abandoned i feel...
but.. when i feel like i can do this on my own... and gain the strength to stand on my own... and attempt to face the world is when i truly break.. and hurt the ones i love the most...

i've done a lot of thing that i am not proud of... a lot of things..
i've done things to intentionally hurt people.. to intentionally piss people off..
to make them feel how i feel... in an attempt to find comfort.. without thinking.
i find i do this to a group of people i feel closest to...

and after i do these things... i feel like a bigger douchebag than i felt before..
not only do i hurt my friends.. i also push them away..

i find myself alone...

i feel like i have no friends.
and i feel like my family is just there...
but don't really care..

i feel lost.. daze... and confused...

and with christmas just days away...

i find myself wanting one thing..
to feel at home.
i just don't know where that is anymore.